3. Bulky

Most Likely to Stay Sexy and Not Get Murdered

One day you'll meet a wolf man at the end of the aisle. You'll notice him at first, bulky in the background. You'll scan his presence and look again. He's holding no products, lingering out of the corner of your eye. Red flag, red flag. (Shit, just find a product to stare at and act distracted). He is sinister, yet unassuming. But congratulations. This is a right of passage for you. If you survive this, you have officially turned old enough to go shopping by yourself just to find yourself being stalked in the bread aisle. Now you're a woman. So when you're faced with this scenario and you're not sure of his intentions but you're determined not to die, there are a few things to keep in mind as you go. Don't worry; we all have to pass this level at least once.

17 Steps To Survive Being Alone in the Aisles With Wolf Man
Follow these steps to avoid being swallowed by the night (because going out hungover in sweats and no makeup won't deter him): 

1. It's interesting to think about what you don't see when you don't want to see, so pay attention.
2. Make eye contact to show him you're not afraid.
3. Divert quickly and pretend to focus on the frozen foods.
4. Make a swift grab for the first thing you see, even if it's a bag of peas.
5. If he makes muffled growls, ignore him.
6. He may come closer. If so, dodge out into the next row.
7. Use the hood on your peacoat to your advantage. Stay shifty to keep surveillance.
8. Make mental check for your phone and keys and move on, fast.
9. Get out of the aisle. Then get your shit and get out.
10. Be brisk about leaving the store, obvi.
11. Don't let the screeching crows on the power line above your head stop you if you see them, (but do heed their warning if they call).
12. Don't look back when you feel someone come up behind you. It's probably him.
13. Grab the bags from your cart without stopping, on the walk to your car.
14. Abandon the cart in the spot next to you.
15. Get in just in time to see that it is him in the rearview mirror.
16. Drive away and breathe.
17. In the likelihood of future encounters, prepare to repeat as necessary. It will be necessary. 

This is free writing about the fears in my head. About scenes many of us have starred in unwillingly. I read a tweet tonight about imagining that you got murdered and some girl skips your episode of Forensic Files because it looked too boring. The purest fear of being forgotten. The unthought known. Everyday situations can get you killed. This is a reminder to survive.